Have you spent some time sorting out that dusty attic in the mind and finding the clutter ready to decide what to do with it?
In my last blog about mind-chatter (here), I talked about how you need to notice you’ve got a problem before you can fix it. There is no movement without action. Do you want to feel happier? Have you sought out any unwanted negativity that’s lurking in amongst your more useful thoughts or found habits or behaviour or thinking that you now know are not serving you?
In that case, it’s time to dust away the cobwebs and take the next step:
Step 2
If you have followed my previous advice you’ll already be catching and writing down those thoughts that are useless to you and that get you nowhere. You know the ones. They just go round in circles, achieving nothing but stress, worry and negativity and they keep you stuck in a loop that saps your confidence in yourself or your ability to move on with a relationship or in another area of your life.
So now is the time to begin challenging them. And I’m going to give you a short list of questions you can ask yourself to decide whether these thoughts are really necessary or not.
Challenging your thoughts
Ask yourself such questions as
Is this thought true?
If Yes read on : If No skip to *
If it’s true, is it true always, in every situation?
If Yes
Do others believe it’s true?
If Yes
Would everyone in the world believe this thought to be true?
If Yes:
Do I wish to think differently from everyone else? Thats up to you. No one else has control of your mind.
If No:
Do I choose to continue to believe this way? Remember your thoughts are always a choice – once you start to monitor them.
However, since we are only dealing with thoughts that you know don’t serve you, you’ll find other questions further on of interest.
*If the thought isn’t True
What is true instead?
What would be a more useful thought?
How could you move on from thinking this way habitually?
Replace your untrue thoughts with some positive self talk. Don’t worry if you don’t yet know how; that’s the subject of another blog very soon.
Is that thought the reality? Is it justified or just the way I see it?
Is it helping me or hindering me?
If you carry on thinking in the same negative way, you’ll carry on getting the same negative results. You wouldn’t have read this far if you didn’t want to change, so keep going and keep your mind open to the possibility of change. If you get to the end of these articles and you still decide to keep your current way of thinking, you’ll have lost nothing but the few moments it took you to read them.
Once you’ve established that the thought is not true – at least not for others, then you begin to realise the choices you have. You might, however, say “Ah, but my life is different” “My circumstances are different” “I can’t help it”.
Whether or not you have decided that your unwanted thoughts are true or not, the next question is:
Does this thought make me happy?
Happiness is not something that comes from outside of us. It is the way we choose to interpret events that makes us happy or not. Did you see that wonderful man Gary, who lost a leg in the British bombings and who immediately said it was a reason for him to make the most of life. It had reminded him how fragile life could be and he was going to use his experiences to help others. I don’t think I would have been that positive immediately after such a trauma, but he chose to be.
It is when we try to hang on to that which we have lost that we can make ourselves the most unhappy. Gary didn’t hang on to what had been, he chose to look at the reality of what was NOW and make the most of it. We often try to hang on to lost loves, lost looks, lost friends, lost wealth by constantly thinking about how things were. The reality left long ago, but the thoughts still linger on. This type of thinking is not reality, it’s fantasy that slowly kills your sense of fun and joy in the now.
Look at this very moment as your only moment of decision. Which, of course, it is. In this moment you could, if you choose, make a decision to change the way you think, the way you behave or the way you live. You could decide to put the past in the past where it belongs; look to the future and make a decision right now to live happily. You can do something different right now. You can think something different right now. What’s stopping you?
Choose to see the beauty all around you. Choose to focus on what’s working rather than what’s not. That doesn’t mean you don’t plan to improve your lot but that you can live more happily in the now whilst that improvement is taking place.
Is this thought serving some other purpose?
Here’s a really interesting question. Do those negative thoughts give you some pay-off. Well, since we don’t ever spend time thinking thoughts unless we get something out of it, what’s the pay-off?
I used to be a really big ‘victim’ thinker. I used to moan to others about my problems in the hope that someone would rescue me. I didn’t know I did that until I was reading a self-help book that bought it to my attention. Oh! It was hard to quit. But I used to catch myself out regularly, change the way I was thinking or talking; agree with myself that my life was entirely my responsibility and that I didn’t really want to hand over responsibility for my life to others ... and eventually I got it. There are times I hear myself reverting back to my old ways, but it’s becoming rare these days.
What about your negativity? Is it there to get sympathy? Is it expressed because you’re too afraid to take control or too frightened of success? Is it used as a weapon or lever? Is it a way you think you'll get love or support?
What will happen when I stop thinking and speaking negatively? What might I gain? What might I lose? What effect might that have on me or my friends or loved ones?
Answering these questions will help you find the pay-off.
Give all this some serious thought and I’ll be back with more help and support for you soon.
Smile ... go on ... as if you mean it. You’ll start to feel better in an instant.
May you find peace
Bee
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